When Your Partner Says Something Hurtful

When your partner says something hurtful your animal brain kicks into gear and you're ready to do something you might regret. But since you're cultivating an elevated relationship built on mature love you PAUSE FIRST and recognize that you're at a trailhead moment.  

A trailhead moment is a key moment in any interaction with your partner.  It's a moment when you can either take the path towards the summit, or you can take the path into the thicket, into the brambles where you'll spend hours and maybe even days bushwhacking. 

The sooner you can identify that you're at a trailhead the better.  In fact, I highly recommend couples practice stating it aloud.  "Hey Sugar, We're at a trailhead.  What's next?" 

How to Respond When Your Partner Says something Hurtful

You're making dinner together and the kids are running around and your partner half makes a joke about how you haven't had sex in decades. You immediately get activated.  You're hurt.  Your heart is pumping, your adrenaline is rushing and you animal brain is definitely online.  

1. Ask yourself: Are we at a trailhead?  Do I want to listen and repair this right now?

If the answer is "no"...

Hopefully it's because you've identified that you're not feeling resourced enough to have this go well.  So you make the smart move and take space to cool down.  Here's what you can say:

"Ouch! Something about what you said hit me the wrong way.  I'm not sure yet what's going on there and I'm not quite feeling ready to unpack it.  I want to make sure that when you share something important like this, I truly have space to hear it. Can we talk about this in the morning? "

If the answer is "yes"...It's time to read on.

2. Take care of the part of you that is activated

Which part of you is hurt? Your little person inside? Your sensitive part? You resentful part? 

Why? What does that part have to say? What does that part need from you? 

Tell yourself:

‘I promise to listen to you more deeply about this later. I will take care of you.  I will make sure you get heard, too.’


Remind this part, that your partner's judgements of you are not necessarily your truth.  It just means they got triggered in their pain. 

If listening to this part activates you further, then stay a break and revert back to the statement above.  

If this part responds well and you continue to feel ready to listen, then read on. 

3. Tease out the facts

Get clear on the observable facts their judgment refers to.   

If my partner is making a half joke about not having sex in decades, what are the facts? 

You can ask to get clear:

"Are you talking about how often we have sex?  Or are you referring to something else?"

Staying in the facts keeps you from reacting and in curiosity. Gather the facts first.

4. Guess their feelings

This step can be tricky.  You'll want to make an empathic guess about what feelings might be underneath the hurtful comment.  Be open and curious with their response.  It might sound like...

"Are you frustrated about this or is it something else?"

Try not to judge or minimize their feeling.  Even too much reassurance won't work.  Too much reassurance might sound like, "It's okay, Honey.  I get it. You don't have to feel bad about that."

Instead, just repeat their feeling and validate:

"So you are sad about it. That makes sense."

That way they will trust that you are truly listening without an agenda for revenge.

5. Guess their needs

Try to make an empathic guess about what needs are underneath the feelings. 

"Are you feeling frustrated because you're needing physical touch or connection? Or is it about fun and play?" 

Take the time to find the words that truly land for them. 

Again, validate their needs.  You could say, "Of course you need that. That makes sense.  I know how much touch relaxes you."

6. Share your side

This will only work if they feel 100% understood and are calm enough to hear your side.  

First, lead by asking, "Are you feeling understood by me?" 

If they say "yes", then continue with getting consent.  "Would it be okay to share what it was like for me when you said what you said?" 

Reiterate the facts of what they said. 

Next, share how you feel and what you need.

"When you said we haven't had sex in decades I felt insecure and ashamed. I think I'm taking it personally.  And if I'm honest with myself, I'm also needing more connection too."

After you state this, give them time to listen well and respond.  Once you feel 100% understood, and both of you are feeling ready, continue to the next step. If sharing your feelings and needs stirred up more conflict, then continue to the next step.  Otherwise, skip to #8.

7. Attempt Full Repair

The next step is to commit to getting to a full repair.  If you're both feeling unsettled, take turns to listen and understand.  Offer appropriate reassurance, support and validation where you can. 

If you're the one feeling still feeling hurt, be honest about that too. You could say, "I'm really wanting to feel connected and I'm not quite there yet.  I might need...."

Make statements that support the sense of collaboration, like "Babe, I'm committed to staying with you in this conversation until we figure this out and we both feel good" or "I'm committed to being honest with you about what's keeping me from forgiving you for what you said."

Be honest with your partner if there is anything they could do to help move the needle towards full repair.  For example, you might want a hug, or to hear certain words of reassurance, or to be reminded of their love for you.

If you're still feeling unsettled or activated after 15 minutes of trying to repair, take space and revisit repair after 1 hour. 

8. Brainstorm a Win-Win

Lastly, spend some time brainstorming how you can both get your needs met around this activated topic.  

Don’t judge potential solutions. Evaluate after. 

For example, you might make a list of all the things you both have in mind.

- Scheduling sex

- A session with a sexological bodyworker

- Eye gazing

- A long, extended cuddle before bed

- Let's spend some time talking about our sexual relationship and how we can make it better

There is nothing off-limits about this list.  

And remember, sometimes the small solutions are the most immediately effective and make the biggest impact.

You Get to Decide When to Speak Up

Not all hurts need to be addressed.  Sometimes it can be enough to acknowledge it within yourself and to see that hurt part of you.  But if you want a truly intimate, mature love partnership, you'll likely want to commit to being as honest, clear and transparent as possible using the least threatening and most curious communication possible.